Tell me if this sounds familiar?
You get social anxiety when you’re around certain people. That anxiety cripples you and you start wondering why you’re so anxious. Now you’re becoming anxious about being anxious. Oh no! Doubly anxious! Now you’re anxious about your social anxiety, which is causing more anxiety. Quick, where’s the whiskey?
Or you’re so worried about doing the right thing all the time that you become worried about how much you’re worrying. Or you feel so guilty for every mistake you make that you begin to feel guilty about how guilty you’re feeling. Or you get sad and alone so often that it makes you feel even more sad and alone just thinking about it – Adapted from Mark Manson
I call this the “thought loop of despair”
I get trapped in the thought loop of despair often.
So I am at this party with the confident crowd. I look around and all I see are smiling faces chatting to each other.
Why does everyone look like they’re having so much fun?
I’m just not feeling it. It’s been a long day at work and my mind is fried. There’s a pit in my stomach. I’m looking around trying to find my confidence. But the more I look the deeper the pit gets.
I force myself to sound confident. I go up and say hello to a few people. My voice starts out strong, but then it starts to waver. Everything I say sounds like a question. Hi? How are you? I’m good? Great party?…
I hear something about Japan.
Me: Oh I just got back from Japan, it was epic.
“Oh awesome” Cute Girl replies, before immediately turning back to Hot Friend.”So anyway blah blah blah xoxoxo blah blah blah.”
I nod along stupidly for a few minutes and then leave. I don’t say goodbye to anyone. I don’t want to be seen. I am a ghost. I shall go home and hang my head in shame.
Beating myself up
After the party I go home and this is when I feel the worst. I start beating myself up. Cue thought loop of despair.
Nobody abuses us more than we abuse ourselves. We pay for our mistakes thousands of times. We make a mistake, we punish ourselves. And you’d think that would be enough, but every time we remember, we punish ourselves again, and again. – Adapted from Don Miguel Ruiz
The anxiety I feel at the party isn’t even that bad. What is 10 times worse is me beating myself up after.
So why am I beating myself up? How do I stop?
My unrealistic self image.
I’ve created this self image that I need to be a confident, charismatic guy all the time, and that if I don’t act confident, no one will like me. No one likes weak people.
The slight problem with this is that no one is confident all the time. And when I inevitably fail to live up to my own expectations, it causes me to question the foundations of my identity. Am I really a cool guy? or am I some loser who doesn’t know how to socialize? I hate weak people, and I hate myself when I am weak. I am only worthy of love when I meet my own standards.
So why did I feel like I need to act confident all the time?
This was ingrained in me from when I was a kid.
My family immigrated to Australia when I was five. I couldn’t speak a word of English. The other kids in school teased me. I learned from an early age that I needed to be confident and defend myself.
Also my parents were very critical.
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