When I randomly look through articles I have written on divorce or read through comments on social media posts of these same articles, there's always at least one or two "shamers" trolling the pieces. Usually these shamers quote biblical accounts or talk about how these people must be weak or awful, terrible parents (if divorced with kids) or quitters. How back in the day, "people stayed married." It's funny. These random strangers seem to think they know everything about a complete stranger's divorce and life from one article. The ones who quote religion are acting as a "god" of sorts, passing judgments on people they've never met and never will.
You, the divorced or the person about to get divorced may also get shamers from your community. Family. Friends. Neighbors. Acquaintances. "Another one bites the dust. Another one quits." You can see it on their faces, hear it in their words.
Well, as someone three years out and happy, I can tell you: pay these shamers no mind.
1 Who Made These Folks the Boss of Your Life?
Really, who gets to tell you what to do or how to feel about your life? Why would you let anyone tell you how to feel about your marriage, your divorce, or anything, period?
No one is the boss of you. Just you. And if someone pulls in religion, remind this person of free will. You have the right to leave someone. You have the right to move on. Unless these people are paying your bills and wiping your tush, who are they? Pay no mind!
2 There Is No Fault in Trying, Just Not Trying!
There is no fault in giving something a try. There is no fault in taking a chance on someone and marrying him or her.
There certainly, though, is fault in never trying and avoiding. There certainly, though, is fault in being afraid to fail so much that you don't ever take a chance.
You tried. So the shamers say you didn't try enough. So the random public might wonder if you quit. It doesn't matter. You know you tried. That's what matters.
3 How You Feel About Your Divorce Is What's Boss!
What really matters is how you feel about your own divorce. If you feel ashamed, then you'll feel ashamed. If you feel happy, you'll feel happy. If you do happen to feel ashamed, why? So your marriage failed. So what?
Many people's marriages and relationships fail. Many people get fired from jobs. End a career. Stop a competitive sport. Lose a game. Lose a promotion. We all have losses in life. Yours was just an interpersonal life. Sure, it can hurt, but everyone fails. You are not the only one.
Instead of feeling like a failure, try feeling courageous. Courageous to move on. Courageous and mature to say goodbye. Feel proud you tried, don't feel embarrassed because it didn't end as you expected it to. Life never goes as we expect it. That's how it is.
You are OK.
4 Marriage Doesn't Equal Happiness
Don't be ashamed your marriage ended. There are plenty of married and coupled people existing in unhappiness and toxicity. Why are you ashamed you let that dead weight go?
Relationships are not the barometer of happiness — your attitude and energy are. How you present yourself to the world single, coupled, or married is what shows if you are happy or not.
Being happy on your own leads to happiness with another happy individual. Just because this ended doesn't mean you can't be happy.
5 Everyone Deserves a Fresh Start
When you start to let other people's crappy or negative feelings about your divorce seep into your soul, you start to feel bad when you really don't need to. If this marriage did not serve you or work for you or make you a better you, then you deserve a fresh start. No one gets to tell you differently.
6 No One but You and Your Partner Get to Decide When It's Time to Call It Quits
No one gets to decide when your marriage is over besides you and, perhaps, your partner . . . or just your partner. There is no committee that makes the call to end your marriage or not. In other words, it's your life.
You take the wheel. You make the turns. You call the shots.
Being ashamed of being divorced is a total waste of your time and energy. It serves you no good. Be happy, be proud, and move forward. It is up to you to pursue your own happiness, however that looks to you.
No one gets to tell you how to feel about yourself. You choose, and choose wisely. It will set the tone for your life moving forward post-divorce.
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