You know when you are having an affair, the emotional toll is already a karma in itself? Trust me it is hell, I am in one right now. So if you are reading this and you’ve been cheated on, trust me (I know that feeling too) you already got your revenge. If your bf or husband still stayed with you after the whole thing, girl trust me you own that bitch. The hell is probably even worst for her since she lost some dignity and a man. if she’s the “I want love type” of girl that is. Even if she is a cold-hearted one there is still pain. The struggle is real on both sides.
An ex-boyfriend broke me, ok no, he didn’t actually (maybe a little bit) but opened me up to this curiosity and I’ve been trying to understand it ever since. I want to know what goes on in the mind of a cheater. I would go far (so far) to experience, to satisfy a curiosity just to see and feel what it is like. I’ve done it before but I wasn’t satisfied with the result and felt like it was too short of a time to get some real answers. Not going to lie, it is thrilling. The curiosity has been hiding, 10 years, because I want into my marriage but they are every where around me. Mainly in literature, I am an avid reader, I used to read 20-25 books a month back in 2009 that was my little obsession and I killed it. Got free books, interact with authors, reviewed their work. It was deeply satisfying for two years. And these goddamn books have epic love stories and I realized that my romantic life had been on a halt.Then of course the HUSBAND did the cheating, after I fucking specifically told him, he can fuck other women, I just want to know before it happens. Men!! I don’t get it, you are all a bunch of MORONS and no I wasn’t baiting I was serious. I know that monogamy is a myth like the fucking Lochness monster and I am a realist. I know sooner or later this shit will happen. I forgave him after a weekend of being pissed and shopping at Bendel’s and a new Vuitton purse. He broke us to be honest, I never thought he would be someone that can do that. The pessimist in me is alive very much once again. Thing about it, I do not think I would ever do what I am doing now if he didn’t cheat. But what is done is done. This is not revenge but it is a short of “Oh well, I fucking tried to be good.” Kinda thing and so after the whole thing, I started thinking about the topic again.
At first I would just imagine what would falling in love again feels like to meet someone new and everything cheesy that comes with it. This experiment 99% of the women I spoke to really it is an emotional need rather than just sex. When the sex started happening it became this equal need for me. Then there are the 1% that I truly idolize, bitches that owns it, Just in it for the sex. Get in, get out. I could have been them but where would the fun be if I have a wall up. Ugh! Instead I am on this thing, invested and not enough emotional stimulation, well OK! there is enough but not the good kind that I wanted. This little experiment has literally put me on dangerous grounds. I get carried away with the fantasy and when reality rains, it pours. I went all out into this like my other passion projects. I don’t know what to do, how to end it. I am really hurting. I have a broken heart because of my stupidity, none of it is his fault, he is not asking me to stay nor giving me any reason to yet I am still here, it was my choice and I get mad of that choice. I keep trying to chase that romance, I want to have that experience damn it! But he made it clear that it will never happen. Sometimes I think it is time to stop being stubborn and listen to that. Move on to another curiosity maybe it’s time to finally attend those Meet Up groups I joined. But I am me and until I get bored of him, my whining and crying will be gone the next day and I am back to the chase.
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