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Wednesday, July 27, 2016
Bill Clinton helps DNC recover after bumbling opening day
Last night’s Democratic convention was a triumph for Hillary and reversed what had begun on night one as an awkward and embarrassing hot mess of a convention.
Bill made a pitch for his wife in a way we hadn’t seen before — lovingly humanizing their relationship — a relationship that has been dissected, discussed, disgusted and digested by everyone who is isn’t them.
The Dems in short, showed us what our nation can be: kind, inclusive, understanding, nonviolent — everything that the Republican convention made us ashamed of becoming.
It was a great thing to see the humanity and the humanization of the first female candidate for President — a portrait that was long overdue and has had serious complications. And with nearly three decades of Clinton fatigue under our belts, making that portrait come to life was a heavy lift.
The Democrats — from our own Rep. Joe Crowley to Bill Clinton — proved themselves to be humane and smart, and did a helluva job of recovering from the tears and jeers of the previous night.
That being said, the convention opened on night one with the party chief being tossed out for inappropriate emails, even as the nominee is trying to recover from her own inappropriate email scandal.
Low lights included Sarah Silverman’s bizarre stint at the podium. The comic struck inappropriate poses like she was in a selfie-taking frenzy and simultaneously managed to scold an arena full of attendees who refused to give up on Bernie and were booing and weeping like they were at a state funeral.
Dems: Did you really expect us to take seriously the political opinions of a woman who co-starred in a short movie that takes place inside a dog’s rectum titled, “Cops, C-m, D--ks, and Flying”?
Silverman’s time at the podium was followed by Paul Simon singing the appropriately themed, “Bridge Over Troubled Waters,” while delegates swayed like demented audience members on “American Idol.”
You can sing that again, brother.
Awkward too was Elizabeth Warren’s time at the podium as she tried to speak amid boos and cries of “We trusted you!”
You trusted her? Trusting a politician on a podium makes as much sense as trusting a comic inside a dog’s ass.
Bernie’s much anticipated speech, however, began with such prolonged applause that he nearly sunk the auditorium but ended with him taking such a deep dive for the Dems that he almost needed scuba equipment to surface.
Like? Bernie talked of things such as how Hillary is all for raising the minimum wage. To what? $225,000 an hour like she gets from Goldman Sachs for a speech?
Thank God for Michelle Obama on Monday night! She was like Marilyn in “The Munsters” — a normal person in the middle of a houseful of scary monsters. Somehow she — and Bill last night — made us believe the monsters weren’t real. Too bad they are.
This year’s presidential election comes down to two things: Trump stealing the nomination from the GOP party bosses, and the Dem party bosses stealing the nomination from the people. . . . Lindsay Lohan went on an Instagram rant and then a public balcony tirade against her fiancé, Egor Tarabasov. It was so out of control that cops showed up at her apartment to find it, well empty. Lohan then asked the public for privacy. If she’d stop being so public, she’d have plenty of it. We need it, we’re begging for it. . . . “The Bachelorette” host Chris Harrison was concerned that something as unimportant as the Democratic National Convention would run late, and so tweeted: “Check local listings cause I’m guessing the #DNC will hijack up #TheBachelorette time in many cities. Some things are even out of my control.” Really? The fate of the country is out of the control of a host of a TV show that treats women like hookers at a low-rent cathouse? Who knew?
GET RID OF THE OLYMPICS
The Olympics are dumb, dangerous and downright ridiculous — and it’s about time we put an end to the whole hot mess.
The Games used to be a thing of beauty and inspiration. But then corporations got involved and it quickly devolved into a slop pit of corporate greed, endless scandal and doped-up/juiced-up pro athletes competing in a limitless array of numbskull categories. Some are so lame that even the Russians wouldn’t bother doping up for them.
Badminton, table tennis, synchronized swimming, laser pointing? Can you imagine juicing for any of that?
There are now 28 different categories and something like 41 different sports at the Summer Olympics in Rio, and that’s not counting running from Zika mosquitoes.
And there has been a scandal at every Summer Games since 1908, more political boycotts than events, (which are supposed to be nonpolitical) and enough Olympic-shaming to satisfy everyone.
Recent scandals have ranged from the truly stupid — China making the cute kid lip-sync the opening song because the real kid wasn’t cute enough — to the disgraceful like this year’s massive Russian doping scandal.
Mostly, it’s the opening and closing ceremonies that make the whole thing unbearable for me with the marching in uniforms and fireworks.
Did you say uniforms? Oh, well, I might just have to have the smallest peek. I mean, I can’t miss seeing Iran’s already maligned, Gestapo-looking coats, and Georgia’s unfortunate fat Heidi dresses that make even the sleek Olympians look like they’ve had a couple too many sandwiches.
This time around, we viewers should be the ones boycotting the Olympics.
HACK BACK AT ’EM
Last year at this time, the Chinese stole the personal information of 18 million people from the U.S. Office of Personnel Management, and we did, well, not much. This week it was revealed that the Russians hacked the emails of the Democratic National Committee, which showed them to be a bunch of petty bigots who have so little regard for the voters that they wanted to sway the election for Hillary and against Bernie. The DNC let Debbie Wasserman Schulz take the fall, and so it all went away. Not! For decades we worried that the Russians and Chinese would come calling with A-bombs. Instead they came hacking and blowing us up in ways we never imagined. The next President better start blowing back. It’s a cyberbomb waiting to detonate.